LISTEN UP, YOU GLASS-CLINKING BOTTOM-FEEDERS.
You think you’re here for a “mystery”?
You think you’re sipping a craft cocktail
while you solve a “gumshoe” riddle?
You’re not.
You’re sitting in a pressurized chamber of
lies, surrounded by Rizzium-reinforced walls
that were shaped not by heat, but by the
tortured screams of intergalactic Tardigrades.
I, Dirticus MacGirtumus, have seen the summarized manifesto. I have the document that stuck to the shoe of my ancestor, Glenn Gary Grey, as he
fled the Zuckermann mill in a cloud of sulfur and familial shame.
The Great Zuckermann Rupture
The “Sugarman” you chase is a fraud. He is
Shiner Zuckermann, a man whose greed was only matched by his biological volatility. In May of 1892, Shiner didn’t just “lose” a secretary. He activated a dimensional tear with a 20-measure blast of flatulence that would make Andrew Carnegie weep.
Emilie Grey was split in two like a cheap cigar. One half is currently haunting the Monongahela riverbanks, and the other—Emme LeGrey—is a prisoner of the wormhole, screaming through the static of your Bluetooth speakers. As Carnegie told Shiner before fleeing that night: “Wipe the grease off your chin, Shiner; the wind is changing, and it smells like sulfur and failure.”
The Rizzium Truth
Why is the UnderTow Gilbert so “immersive”?
Because the Silk Smugglers aren’t bringing
in silk. They’re smuggling Tardigrades.
These microscopic survivors are being
embedded into the steel to create Rizzium—a material 200% stronger than your fragile
human spirit and capable of bending the very
will of the people.
THE CLUE YOU ARE TOO COWARDLY TO SEE:
The Reptilians are watching the “Mystery”
page. They’ve been silent for a year because they think we’ve forgotten. They think we’ve been distracted by the “Sugarman Dream.”
YOUR MISSION:
Go to the menu. Look at the “Smuggled Goods”.
They claim it contains “Mezcal Joven” and “Macadamia Nut,” but we know the truth. Those “nuts” are Tardigrade transport pods.
And for the love of all that is holy, look at the “Ghost of the Jaguar”. It mentions a place
where “the mountains pray behind the waterfalls”.
That isn’t poetry. It’s a coordinate for the wormhole entrance where Emme LeGrey is waiting for someone to pay her brother’s 40-year-old dental bill.
DON’T BELIEVE THE ICE. THE ICE IS JUST FROZEN TIME.
— Dirticus MacGirtumus
(Last of the Grey Bloodline, Bearer of
the Document, Enemy of the Man-Gator)
Note to the “Players”: If you see a man in
the Gilbert location wearing a hat lined
with Reynolds Wrap, do not make eye contact.
He is the only one among you who isn’t a holographic projection of the Zuckermann
estate.